Why Does this Bother Me?

I made it out yesterday; whether or not it was a good idea is another issue. RC, one of my oldest friends, and I headed out for some girl time. Spent the day shopping, chatting, and of course, eating. You see, RC is a big girl. I have never known her to be thin, and I don't have a problem with it, but she is what I call "an enabler". You know the type: "Go ahead and eat that cookie; it isn't gonna kill you". I started the day out focused on starting a low carb eating plan, and by dinner hour, we were sitting in a restaurant, chowing down on three courses including cheesecake dessert. I am not blaming her. I know I need stay focused on making the right choices, and not letting others sway my focus. Anyway, today is another day, and again, I am back on track!

So, I have been dwelling on something the last few days, and I can't figure out why the issue keeps popping into my head, but it is. You see, one of the women that Tim was messing around with has a birthday coming up on January 4th. This woman, AC, came to my apartment in August 2004. I don't know why I let her in, but I did. She came with a friend, CS, and an armload of "proof". AC spent the next two hours telling me about her relationship with Tim, naming all of the women he had been sleeping with, giving me intimate details of their sex life (he had taken provocative photos of her), and culminating in him taking her for an abortion. He told her that he'd never been through such a thing before, and I just gasped! He had gotten me pregnant twice, andwhen I told him, he basically muttered "take care of it!". I went alone, had the abortion alone, and drove my self home, alone. He spent that night in the bar, and didn't come home until 6:00 am.

That situation is strikingly similar to the one where I had to go the hospital to have a tumour removed from my breast (benign, thank GOD!). I had no idea whether or not I would be waking up with no breasts, but I had to go through it alone. I took public transportation to the hospital, and he was three hours late picking me up. Once he did, he dropped me off at home, went out drinking, and when he finally came home, I ended up getting punched in the face because I was snoring. Anyway, I digress.....

Back to AC, the night that she showed up and told me "everything", I called him and told him to come over (at her urging). Unfortunately, her version of the truth didn't include the fact that she and her friend CS, tag teamed Tim on more than one occasion, or that they had spent my birthday skiing together (no wonder he didn't even call!) or that she allowed him to take photos of her naked on her parent's bed (for the love of GOD!) The evening ended with him calling her a whore (one week after she aborted his child), and telling me that the reason he cheats is because I hate sex! He blamed me for everything!

So, back to my thoughts this week, I know her birthday is coming up, and part of me is worried that he is going to call her. He saw her again in July of this year when he was coked up. Of course, she emailed me all the details of there meeting (she CC'd him so that he'd know), and it hit me like a ton of bricks. That was one of the first times I got angry. Blindingly angry. Of course, I still allowed him back into my home, and of course everything continued on that horrible path. I don't know why I care if he calls her. I know that I have no feeling for this guy, and I know that he is never going to be a happy person, or find someone to spend his life with, but the thought of him calling her just makes my skin crawl!!!!